![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Jun. 20th, 2015 01:08 pmNever good enough for anyone, that's what it seems like. Never anyone's first choice. From shortly before his fourteen birthday, when his father stopped listening to him talk about what he wanted, to the time when Henry cared only that this was his father and that was enough reason to get to know him, he has never been anyone's choice. Never been enough for anyone. The two times when he was, when someone wanted to choose him, he ruined it. Does that mean he should never get another chance at happiness?
For people who are all about second chances, even giving them to people who never asked for them or even seemed to appreciate that they had them, he never really got his. All he was asking for was lunch, and Emma couldn't even give him that much. No other commitment, no promise of anything in the future, just lunch. To see how it went.
Even when it was in question to him why his father was really in Neverland, to find Henry and bring him home, or to kill him to keep the prophecy from coming true, when his father started acting like he wanted that chance, Neal gave it to him. He gave his father the chance to prove that he could act against his nature of all those years and not act simply out of self-preservation. He was capable of having all this faith in someone else, but when's the last time someone had that much faith in him?
Henry.
If it weren't for Henry, he would have no chance at happiness, because as much as he gives to everyone, the only one who gives a fraction of it back to him is Henry. Hook might, one day, but Neal's story ends before he has the chance to get back much of what he gives to anyone.
Perhaps part of the reason he feels that no one chooses him is because he doesn't have much evidence (beyond Henry) that anyone ever has. If he hasn't been good enough for anyone in the past, why is he now? He isn't.
The life he's always wanted, with a family, it's too late to have it now, but he never got the chance when it wasn't too late. He didn't even have a history like that of some people in town, who got chance after chance given to them. He made one mistake, which he acknowledged was a mistake that he regretted every day, and couldn't even forgive himself for, and he never got the same chance everyone else did.
And now, seeing others get the chance that he never did, it's not easy. Knowing that there's someone else who's doing all the things he used to do, who's getting the words and looks he used to get, when he never really got the chance to earn that back again, is going to be hard to take.
But he'll stand aside and watch it happen, because he said he would, and he knows how things stand, and giving others what they want, making sure they're happy, it's what he does. He knows better than to expect his own happiness when it comes to anyone other than Henry. He gives them what they want, does whatever he can to make sure they have it, because that's what makes them happy. But there's no one thinking of his happiness the same way.
He got good things out of his time with Emma, other than just Henry, even if Emma doesn't see it that way. All the things that happened before the end were good things, to him. He was finally part of something, and it was good. It might have been good again, but now they'll never know, and he'll have no chance at that kind of good thing again. It was important, and it meant something.
He loved her back then, he really wanted all of those things that Tallahassee promised. If she can't look past how things ended and see that, that is not his fault. It is also not his fault if she can't see that he's not the same person he was then anymore. He's not even sure why it matters, sometimes; she's not the same Emma he remembers either. But they'll never get the chance to know if they could have worked it out anyway.
Their relationship will always be the story of the girl who deserved better than the man who let someone talk him into letting her down, because it never got the chance to become anything else. Not just because he died before they could figure out what they are now, but because Emma didn't give it a chance after Neverland.
For people who are all about second chances, even giving them to people who never asked for them or even seemed to appreciate that they had them, he never really got his. All he was asking for was lunch, and Emma couldn't even give him that much. No other commitment, no promise of anything in the future, just lunch. To see how it went.
Even when it was in question to him why his father was really in Neverland, to find Henry and bring him home, or to kill him to keep the prophecy from coming true, when his father started acting like he wanted that chance, Neal gave it to him. He gave his father the chance to prove that he could act against his nature of all those years and not act simply out of self-preservation. He was capable of having all this faith in someone else, but when's the last time someone had that much faith in him?
Henry.
If it weren't for Henry, he would have no chance at happiness, because as much as he gives to everyone, the only one who gives a fraction of it back to him is Henry. Hook might, one day, but Neal's story ends before he has the chance to get back much of what he gives to anyone.
Perhaps part of the reason he feels that no one chooses him is because he doesn't have much evidence (beyond Henry) that anyone ever has. If he hasn't been good enough for anyone in the past, why is he now? He isn't.
The life he's always wanted, with a family, it's too late to have it now, but he never got the chance when it wasn't too late. He didn't even have a history like that of some people in town, who got chance after chance given to them. He made one mistake, which he acknowledged was a mistake that he regretted every day, and couldn't even forgive himself for, and he never got the same chance everyone else did.
And now, seeing others get the chance that he never did, it's not easy. Knowing that there's someone else who's doing all the things he used to do, who's getting the words and looks he used to get, when he never really got the chance to earn that back again, is going to be hard to take.
But he'll stand aside and watch it happen, because he said he would, and he knows how things stand, and giving others what they want, making sure they're happy, it's what he does. He knows better than to expect his own happiness when it comes to anyone other than Henry. He gives them what they want, does whatever he can to make sure they have it, because that's what makes them happy. But there's no one thinking of his happiness the same way.
He got good things out of his time with Emma, other than just Henry, even if Emma doesn't see it that way. All the things that happened before the end were good things, to him. He was finally part of something, and it was good. It might have been good again, but now they'll never know, and he'll have no chance at that kind of good thing again. It was important, and it meant something.
He loved her back then, he really wanted all of those things that Tallahassee promised. If she can't look past how things ended and see that, that is not his fault. It is also not his fault if she can't see that he's not the same person he was then anymore. He's not even sure why it matters, sometimes; she's not the same Emma he remembers either. But they'll never get the chance to know if they could have worked it out anyway.
Their relationship will always be the story of the girl who deserved better than the man who let someone talk him into letting her down, because it never got the chance to become anything else. Not just because he died before they could figure out what they are now, but because Emma didn't give it a chance after Neverland.
